Riding the waves and trusting my resiliency

I grew up on an island. I remember being caught by ocean waves that would trap and spit my young body into the abrasive sand leaving me crying from skin abrasions, dizzy from the tumble and coughing salt water while struggling to get back up.

My dad taught me survival skills to negotiate the power of the ocean waves to allow me to playfully engage with their dance. First, you face the open ocean to keep an eye on the waves forming on the horizon. Second, you gauge the speed of the incoming waves. Lastly, at the precise moment, you dive deep under the wave. I loved submerging my small body and hiding from the waves feeling secure in the depth and in awe of the muffled sounds of the power above. I would open my eyes to witness the wave glide over me on its path to crash into the shore.

I traveled to the US at 18 to start college. I remember the day I said goodbye to all I knew. My heart was beating with excitement and clothed in courage. I was ready to take life on. My naivete was quickly exposed as I faced horrors that were unexpected. I did not have the emotional bandwidth at that age to understand my experiences and they landed like mud covering my heart.

I began to instinctively protect myself using the same strategy I had used to stay safe from the crashing waves; scour the horizon for threat and at the precise moment dive deep away from the challenge, the hard experience, the conflict. I tried to hide or modify all the parts of me that were deemed exotic and problematic to others - the language, the accent, the quirkiness of my speech, the way my brain works, the dreamy quality of my thoughts, the voluptuous body, and certainly the way I openly love. In return for hiding these I was accepted, and I felt a sense of belonging in my new community.

But after years of neglect the soul stops whispering. Instead, I heard my drowning soul shout with incessant clarity “I want to live. I want to drown in the roar of the waves, ride them with zeal, while being tossed by all that is important to me. I want to crash at the shore fully spent but with my courage tested!”

My soul pleaded for me to intentionally get back to the surface where life is actively shaping the world and become entangled in its current. My soul whispers reassurances that we will be bruised but we will have the strength of body and heart to stand up and walk in grace and alive.

Today, I chose to be tumbled. I also dive deep to touch my wisdom where I find safety in the depth of my inner calm as I ride the chaos of life.